Opening The Door
by Andatariel.x
Summary: Night after night Remus sits outside Sirius's door, waiting for him to answer the knock. The answer never comes. Sirius knows if he opens the door it'll mean he could get his heart broken, is he willing to take the chance? MM, slash -DISCONTINUED-
1. Doors

Doors

I tap my fingernails gently against the hardwood floor.

I'm growing increasingly tired, tired in the sense that I am sleepy and tired of sitting outside your room night after night hoping and praying that you might just let me in, just this once.

Nothing reeks of desperation more than sitting outside that closed door, waiting, just waiting for you to let me in.

It's as if that one wooden barricade is the barrier between us, that invisible wall that we both know we could cross if only we had the guts to do it.

Which we don't.

Neither of us is quite willing to open that door and let all the feelings back in, open up to each other again. Even knowing we could get hurt again. I know this is 50 my fault. I know I'm hanging back as much as you but at least this time, just this once, I'm making the first move.

The first move in that I've knocked and you've given no answer at all so I'm waiting because I know damn well that you're in there and perfectly aware that I'm waiting outside.

I'm waiting for you to make the second move though I know damn well it won't come and that I'll fall asleep here and by the time I next find consciousness someone will have carried me to bed and your door will remain as tightly locked is it ever does.

I can feel your pain from out here, every one of my senses is screaming that you're hurting and I want nothing more than to make it all better. I can't stand to see you in pain but you seem to have gained the ability to let me sit here hurting and waiting for you to open up.

You never used to able to carry this on for more than twenty minutes, the average time length I had to sit outside closed doors for you was five minuets.

What happened to that?

Why am I even asking?

A whole void of fifteen years was what happened to that.

I should just accept that it's not going to happen but you were always the one who clung onto things even when they got really tough and maybe I want to prove to you that I can do it to.

I can have the patience to sit here waiting for you to forgive me,.

But forgive me for what?

I know there were a few things that I did wrong but you said you forgave me for all of them, or was that just you hiding your feelings again?

I wish that we could just rewind time but we can't.

I wish that you'd just open the door and let me speak to you, even though I don't know what to say and I'll trip over my words and you'll remark that it's unlike me to be tongue tied.

In the fairytale version this is when I'd grab you and kiss you because when it comes down to it words can't say everything one kiss can and you'd tell me you love me and smile like you used to.

We'll see how stupid we were to have let go. We'll realise how stupid it was leaving it this long before we dared to fight for us.

But this isn't a fairytale and I think I'm too old for this daydream now.

* * *

I know he's sitting outside, on the floor, back leant against the wall but I still can't bring myself to get up and allow him in.

As if letting him cross the threshold of my room would do something… I don't know, force me to open up, which I don't want to do.

As long as I've been alive I've been taught that feelings were best pushed into bottles, corked and ignored. I have a hard time changing from that habit.

I tap my nails against the surface of the writing desk watching the puddles of tears slowly take on size and spread across the polished oak.

I can't even tell why I'm crying. It used to take a lot to make me cry. I guess certain events made me more prone to tears.

I can nearly feel his pain and I want to go and take it all away, but as so many times before I remain behind my locked door clinging to the hope that one day I may be able to open it and sweep him into my arms.

Make it all okay. But that's never going to happen.

We both know it though he still persists. This bond we have is too strong to sever how ever much we try to deny it.

I knew from the moment I first saw I knew he was something special and that I wanted to be a part of his life, words can't say how thrilled I was when he finally opened up to me.

I can't express how happy being more than friends with him made me. How good it felt to move all our stuff into that tiny flat just around the corner of Diagon alley.

I knew when I saw him in the Shrieking Shack that I still loved him just as much as I ever had. Even if we'd both changed.

It was nearly a year until I saw him again. I didn't keep in contact. It would have been dangerous to us both.

"Lie low at Lupins"

I cannot tell you the chaos those words threw my life back into and how pleased I was when order members started appearing on the doorstep. Taking the pressure off. Easing the atmosphere that had built between the both of us.

However it told me that there were still feelings there, however much we tried to deny them, they were still there.

I knew when we first entered Grimmauld place I could tell he still loved me too. I knew from the way that he slid his hand into mine for support.

But I'm was too scared to do anything about it. I still am.

To do anything would open me up for getting hurt or worse, getting my heart broken, all over again and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for that anymore.

I wish I had someone I could talk to but all of my lifelines are either closed or too busy for things as trivial as the disastrous state of my love life.

I know he's waiting for me to make the second move but what if I can't do it?

* * *

I'm not even sure how long I've sat here anymore, I can't count the times I've waited like this.

I know you've done it for me though and I know I can't give up on you right now.

I feel a dull kick in my leg and look up at the dark figure above me. My gaze is met by steely dark eyes and an almost cruel face, belaying the undercurrent of sympathy that it never normally shows.

I half wonder what he wants, maybe there's an order meeting and he's been sent to fetch me.

Maybe I'm supposed to be on guard duty and I've forgotten.

The last thing I expect him to do is to thrust a box of tissues at me. I stare at them dumbfounded for a few minutes and when I look back up he's already walking away.

"Severus," I say in a small broken voice and remove a tissue from the box. "Thanks"

I didn't even realize I was crying.

I bring the tissue to my face and am surprised by the amount of moisture it removes. Maybe it would be better for both of us if I gave up on you?

I already know there isn't a chance of that, I gave up on you once before and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Okay maybe I have made one bigger mistake but I like to think about that as infrequently as possible.

I shake my head slightly and wipe my eyes again, still shocked that Severus Snape would bring me, of all people, tissues.

Maybe Molly asked him to.

Most likely it's his way of saying he's sick of me sitting here, a snivelling wreck because of someone who clearly doesn't want me anymore.

I hate him sometimes. Even gestures that coming from someone else would look sympathetic take on malicious qualities when coming from him.

I sigh deeply and lean back against the wall.

This could be a long night.

* * *

It's 3am and I'm beginning to wonder if he's still outside my door, I kind of half hope that he is but I push the hope back down.

If he is there I hope he's sleeping again, I need to leave the room to alleviate my bladder and it would be awkward if he was awake.

I open the door a crack listening for a few seconds then deciding that if he is still awake I'll tell him I need to use the bathroom, which is true and he'll laugh off the fact that he's sitting on the floor outside my room and we'll go back to normal. Because that's what we want right?

Or maybe it isn't what we want but it's a necessity.

At least it seems easier this way. Only right now it isn't.

Especially not when he's slumped against the wall, asleep, amidst a pile of cried on tissues.

It's not easy to see him like that at all.

I tiptoe over and check that he really is asleep before picking him up and carrying him down to the other end of the hall where his room is.

No easy feat really as he's heavier than his skeletal frame suggests and I'm nowhere near as strong as I used to be.

I use my knee to open the door and he stirs a little in my arms but thankfully doesn't wake.

The bed is unmade and it's easy to slip his robes off and slide him under the sheets.

I sit beside the bed and watch him for a little while, watching his breath ease in and out in that peaceful way.

As I watch I remember a time when he was plagued by nightmares and I often awoke with him in my bed, taking up all of the space as usual.

I can't help but try and forget the happier times, it helps keep up the pretence that I no longer want an intimate relationship, which of course I do because I'm not over him at all.

Instead I think about how I should get up, how I still need the toilet but the thoughts keep creeping up on me.

I need to get up and go but instead find myself mesmerised by the man sleeping on the bed, most of his features are the same as I remember them though he looks older, wiser, he's got more lines, more scars, his skins looks paler, his cheeks hollower than I remember.

I sigh and trace a finger down his cheekbone missing the intimacy we used to share.

For once, just once, letting my guard down.

* * *

A/N:

Reviews are loved and will be acknowledged.  
Also you will get a Remus plushie.  
You know you want one.


	2. Cuts and Scars

_My fingertips are holding,  
__Onto the cracks in our foundations,  
__And I know that I should let go,  
__But I can't.  
__And every time we fight I know it's not right,  
__Every time that you're upset and I smile.  
__I know I should forget but I can't.  
- Kate Nash  
_

Cuts and Scars

It's too cold in the house, cold because it rained all night and it's still raining now. Must have been awful, being outside.  
Full moons and bad weather are just not a good combination.  
I wanted to join you.  
But I didn't.  
I'm in hiding; I have to keep reminding myself. I think I'm going mad stuck in here. Stuck in here with you.  
You're the most company I have at the moment and I'm glad of it. I really am. But I think we're driving each other slowly insane. Though I didn't feel too sane before I came back here anyway.  
My hands shake as I turn the tap off and put the now full kettle onto the cooker. It's really, really cold.  
Upstairs there's a fire going strong in the living room but down in the kitchen is always cold, it always has been. Later, in a few hours, Molly will come down and light a fire in the currently empty hearth.  
I remember days of sitting in front of that fire with Regulus and reading him stories and as the years rolled on we just used to sit and stare into the flames.  
I loved him and I miss him.  
I really do.  
Whatever else he did. However stupid he was. Whoever he chose to be friends with. Whatever he said to me. However many times he called me names. Whoever he helped get me into trouble. I loved him.  
He was my baby brother and I loved him without conditions. I unashamedly adored the idiot.  
It doesn't matter what I say, doesn't matter that he was stupid enough to join the Death Eaters because he was mine and I miss him.  
I used to talk to him about you, and James, and Peter, and how happy I was that I had you. How happy I was with all of you. How much I loved my friends.  
And he'd tell me about what he'd been doing and whoever he was going out with at the time and how he didn't want to get married to some cousin that he didn't like.  
This kitchen was a happy place when I was here with Regulus.  
It's often somewhere happy again now, when everyone is awake someone is always down here with the kettle on, or cooking, or talking. It's like the heart of the house.  
We hold our meetings here.  
We laugh here.  
We sit at the table getting drunk and telling stories of our days at Hogwarts.  
My parents never even came down here.  
It was only me, Reg and the house elves who bothered with the kitchen.  
I grab the box of teabags off the shelf above the stove and drop one into my waiting cup.  
Then I get the coffee, knowing that when you stumble in you'll need one. It's funny how happy I was when I got to yours and discovered that you still take your coffee in the same way you always did.  
And I loved the way you laughed and had to ask me about four times if I was sure I'd rather have tea because it used to be James and Peter who were the tea drinkers. You and I always had coffee.  
I missed you last night, I didn't think I would but I did. I sat and watched the rain lash my window and I missed you like crazy. Missed you, and James, even Peter, just missed the way it all was.  
Sometimes I think I'd kill to be able to go back and be back in Hogwarts with the three most important people in my life.  
But James is dead, Peter betrayed us and I'm too scared of what will happen if I stop pushing you away.  
I think if you'd been there last night I'd have opened the door and let you in. That thought makes me almost glad that you weren't because I can't let you back in.  
When the door swings open I jump, wasn't expecting you this early but you must have been back for a while. You're dressed in Pyjamas and have a towel in you hand.  
Another thing I didn't expect was the state you're in.  
The cuts aren't bloody because the rain washed the blood away but you look awful, there's a huge bruise forming on the left side of your face, your lip is split, and you have what looks like nail marks in your face.  
There's too many scratches, a lot more than normal.  
You shake your head wearily at me and sit down at the table your head in your hands.  
I turn back to the stove and turn off the kettle.  
I don't want to see you cry.  
Pour water into the waiting cups.  
I don't want to see you in this state.  
Stir.  
I can't stand that I want to hug you.  
Two sugars in your cup, three in mine.  
I can't make it okay.  
Milk in both.  
I want to stop it hurting.  
Take the tea bag out.  
I want to hold you and make it right.  
Throw the teabag in the bin.  
I pick up both cups and put your coffee on the table in front of you, your hair is dripping water on to the table. Or maybe some of its tears I guess you don't want me to know either way.  
I put my cup on the table and sit opposite you; I don't trust myself near you; the table's a big bit of wood that's acting as the door between us.  
We sit in silence because I don't know what to say and you don't seem to want to talk.  
It looks like someone grabbed you by the chin, you didn't make the nail marks, couldn't have, someone hurt you. Pretty bad by the looks of things.  
I hate this.  
I want to kill them. I want to find the person who hurt you and rip them to shreds.

The first thing that I notice is that it's freezing in here and will continue to be freezing until someone comes down and lights the fire, which he hasn't had the common sense to do yet.  
It doesn't matter much though; I'm not shaking because of the cold anyway.  
I can feel his eyes on me.  
I know that he's trying to figure what the hell happened but I don't want him to know what went on.  
Merlin, I don't want to know what went on. I wish I could erase the past night from my mind.  
I am of course half-successful there.  
During the time I was a wolf things are hazy, stretches of time are missing. I know full well what happened whilst I was human, unfortunately that's the bit I want to forget.  
I did what was asked of me and that's all that matters really. I did my job, got the information, I'm prepared for what happens next. That's all that matters right now. Honestly.  
I stare at the patterns in the grain of the wood on the polished surface of the table.  
My hair is dripping water all over it. I don't care though because it hides the tears that I can't seem to prevent falling down my face.  
"Moony?"  
That one word makes my throat constrict, he only lets that slip when he's really worrying about something.  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
He breathes in deeply.  
"It's nothing."  
He exhales.  
"It doesn't matter."  
"It doesn't?" He says in an almost whisper.  
"Sirius, I'm fine." And I'm not fine but lying to him makes it easier to lie to myself.  
"Of course you are," he replies but lets it go. Normally he's like Padfoot with a bone but it's different now, and that's not even normal anymore because 'normal' undergoes changes in fifteen years, even when you don't want it to.  
I sip the coffee in front of me. Some things don't change. My coffee preferences haven't and he still remembers how I like it.  
"I had to go and check out the local pack, but they saw me, I swear I'm fine," I say eventually.  
It says everything I needed to say because we both know what can happen then.  
"Oh gods…" and that's all he needs to say.  
The next thing I know he's up and next to me. I stand up and place a trembling hand on his chest.  
"Don't"  
He can't. Not right now. He can't hold me now. I'll cry and I won't be able to stop and crying would make it real.  
It can't get any more real than the scratches or I won't be able to tuck it away and hide it. It'll compromise my position and I won't be able to go back and do my job.  
He reaches up and wraps his fingers around my wrist.  
I have to keep my gaze on the floor; I can't look him in the face. I can't look into his eyes and see how much he cares. I'll end up on the floor begging for a second chance.  
If I do that I lose my last scrap of pride and I can't take more pain and humiliation today.  
"Remus…" the tremble in his voice makes him sound just like he did when he was the child who found out my secret, who wanted the information to be wrong because he hated seeing me hurt.  
Reminds me of _my_ Sirius.  
"I can't do this now…" and I don't even realise I said it out loud until I feel his grip on my wrist tighten and I can feel his heart speeding up beneath my fingers and it makes me want to pull away and just like that he lets go.  
The sudden lack of contact makes my brain temporarily freeze and I want to reach out and grab him. Just so he's there.  
I know he feels the same. You can ask me how but there's no other explanation other than that he's Sirius and that's why I know.  
God I love him.  
It's a kind of all consuming love. The more we pull away the more we get thrown together. It's like a fire that won't go out and all we can do is try and ignore it but it's so hard to ignore because it burns. Even when we're together it finds a way to burn us.  
We just hurt each other then make up then hurt each other again. I don't think he's strong enough to handle it anymore but I can't let go.  
I can't let go.

I hate letting go of you.  
I hate seeing you stand there, head bowed because you can't even look at me. I want to let you in. I really do.  
But I can't.  
I can't hold on but can't let go either.  
Lily said once that our love was like fire and when you play with fire you get burned but if we left it it'd burn everything we touched instead.  
At the time I didn't get it but now I'm begging to understand and I think she was right.  
Seeing you this way hurts because the one thing I could do to make it better is the one thing I'm trying to resist doing. See my heart tells me I should just fuck it and hug you but my head keeps reminding me that if I do then I let you back in and we'll both end up hurt.  
Most of the time my head wins out, after all look where following my heart got me. Right now that's proving a lot harder than normal, this situation has my heart screaming at me that I need you and you need me and why the hell can't I just sort it out.  
I think I'm about to give in but in the nick of time the kitchen door swings open and in walks a dripping wet Severus Snape.  
Your head snaps up, your whole body tensing.  
"You aren't crying again are you?"  
"Fuck you," You say whipping your eyes on your sleeve and I can't take my eyes off your face.  
"If someone made me cry this often they wouldn't still be breathing," Severus says flicking his wand at the stove, lighting it under the kettle.  
"Hey, don't you dar-" I stat to say but you cut me off.  
"If it was Sirius who'd made me cry again, and I don't see that that's any of your business, then he wouldn't be standing here unharmed, it was full moon last night remember?" You say scowling at him.  
He smirks.  
It's true though, werewolves tend to get more aggressive just before and just after full moon.  
"Upstairs?" I suggest.  
You nod and follow.  
And just like that the moment is gone.  
And I'm not sure if that makes me happy or not.

**A/N:** Aww, they're both so confused.  
So I managed to write the dreaded second chapter! Go me. I only hope it's to the standard of the last one.

**Reviewers:**

**Krazysycochick:** Yeah they do, but I'm not sure if they're going to…  
-Gives you a Remus plushie complete with novelty tash from PoA-

**Canis:** Why thank you.  
-hands you a marauders era Remus plushie-

**Kayarin:** Yeah, I am queen of sad stories, I can't resist a bit of the old tear-jerking.  
-Heres a first year Remus plushie for you, how cute-

**Keeper of Destiny:** I do too, and they have such good angst potential!  
-gives you a plushie of Remus from this chapter (he even has cute pyjamas on) and some band aids so you can fix him up!-

**Dreamhorse:** Thank you. I do try.  
-you get a marauders era Remus as well-

**Rekahneko:** Yeah, you wouldn't believe how hard this chapter  
-You get a sleeping outside Sirius's door Remus plushie-

Reviewers for this chapter get a Sirius plushie.  
People who review in this chapter and reviewed in the last one too: Get both and you can make them do cute wolfstar things! You know you wanna!


	3. Sleep Sweet

_Lately, you don't even talk to me  
And you don't need me, like you used to do.  
The only, never, ever was for me  
I won't always hold my head up high.  
_(Infernal - Ten Miles)

Sleep Sweet

You sit on the edge of the bed folding your arms like you're cautious, afraid to be alone with me and I don't know how we're supposed to get through this.  
I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this. Only that I made it through tonight, I made it through the last fourteen years and though I'm certainly not in one piece I'm still here.  
I only realise I'm crying again when your calloused fingers brush against my swollen cheek brushing a tear away.  
Oh how I want to throw myself into your arms and cry.  
But I don't.  
You wouldn't want me too anymore.  
I'm shivering worse than before, because I've been out all night I obviously didn't light a fire and it's like Antarctica in my room.  
You pull out your wand and flick it at the fire and it warms the room almost instantly, I settle back against the headboard and pull my knees up to my chin.  
I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should act in the times when we're alone together.  
I sigh deeply.  
"Do you want something for the pain? I think I have some of that Aspirin stuff you used to take…" you offer  
"No thank you, I'll live," I reply thought in truth some aspirin would be nice, a good sleep would also be nice. My eyelids are getting heavy.  
You slide yourself up to the head of the bed and let me lean my head on your shoulder.  
I'm so tired.  
When a werewolf changes it's like a buzz and then a lot of pain, then everything goes hazy and they wake up with this buzz again. After the buzz goes they just get very, very sleepy.  
Even if they really don't want to fall asleep.  
I yawn hugely and feel my eyelids flutter and your arm slip around my shoulders.

I watch as he falls asleep leaning against my shoulder and it's almost like old time s again and I miss him so much it gives me chest pains just thinking about it.  
He feels so light against my shoulder and I can feel his breath deepen like it does when you fall asleep.  
I think I miss him more than I want to.

* * *

A/N: 

Yes it is short but I figured you'd complain if I didn't tell you what happened when they went to sleep.

**Krazysycochick** - Thank you very much, glad you're liking it so far. -Hands you a PoA Sirius plushie with prisoner "pyjamas" on.-

**Ailefo -** Wow, uh thanks. I think it's one of my better ones. Yes there is meant to be mild humour. I just love Severus, he's so wonfderfully sarcastically funny. -Have a Marauders Era Sirius with Severus's tie that he stole-

**Loveless67 - **Ta very much. -You get a young Sirius in dress robes plushie-

Reviewers get a Werewolf plushie.


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